One-Shot: Kismet

Aug-06-08

Man, I really wanted to give you Deathcry, since she was also from the 90s and Avengers related. Sadly, it appears that she’s dead. Personally, I’m devastated. There shall be a wake tonight, in her honor. All of her fans will attend. The location will be my hall closet, although I’m concerned that we won’t be able to find enough of her fans to fill it.

So, I’m going in another direction. Let’s talk about Kismet, also known as Paragon, also known as Her, also known as Ayesha. Perhaps only Hank Pym has had more names than this character. She was created at the Beehive by a group of creepy old men called the Enclave, so she’s already got some strikes against her. She also started out her existence as a man, making her perhaps the first transgender in comics. Oh, those groundbreaking scamps at Marvel! She’s been all over the universe and has popped up in such classic and popular series as Alpha Flight, Quasar and Marvel Two-In-One. So, what are you going to do with her (or is it “do with Her”)?

Right. A golden chick in a Baywatch swimsuit who was created as the “Eve” to Adam Warlock. And she has those vague cosmic powers that I relish so much. Excellent.

Does it seem odd to anyone else that a bunch of random dudes who live in a beehive can harness this weird cosmic energy to create a fake chick who can pretty much disintegrate them with a sideways glance? That doesn’t really add up for me. Not to mention the strange fact that the Enclave seemed to enjoy kidnapping women (Alicia Masters, Medusa) and creating female versions of characters named Warlock (they also cloned the New Mutants member). That’s a pretty odd obsession. But I digress.

Kismet…the Arabic word for fate…for some reason all I can think of is that the movie version would undoubtedly be played by Jessica Simpson. She strikes me as a character who is ridiculously powerful but kind of lost and clueless. She’s like an intergalactic Paris Hilton or a pan-universal Pam Anderson (especially given her chosen attire). How do you improve upon that?

She’s a blank slate made entirely of Teflon. That is to say, nothing sticks. Her existence is meaningless and holds no purpose whatsoever in the big picture of the Marvel Universe. She was created as an issue filler in the early days of the Fantastic Four title. I say we kill her off, but we make it an event (like all those cosmic things seem to be).

Here’s the plan: She realizes (at least in her own artificial mind) that she was meant to be the “first woman.” That clicks something in her head putting her on a path to rewind the progress of the entire universe…basically making herself the origin of life. Of course, to reach that goal, she’ll need to wipe everyone else out of existence. BUM BUM BAAAAAAAH!

I have no idea how this will happen, but I’m sure the whole thing will be explained away by some convenient plot device made up of fancy words that vaguely relate to science. Everyone will nod their heads and pretend that they understand what the writer was trying to get across and the whole thing will be seen as an allegory for conservation of energy. Isn’t that how these things work?

I would’ve gone with the whole “find a perfect mate” scenario, but it seems like that’s the ONLY plotline Kismet has ever been involved with. Every single time she has shown up in the past has been to either land a date or eradicate an entire planet (which I can only assume was her cosmic reaction to PMS).

Now that I think about it, there could be some pretty comical scenes of her sitting in a diner booth waiting for her e-date to show up, and then ditching him when she realizes it’s D-Man. Ah, the trials and tribulations of all-powerful love. I imagine the sex must be out of this world.

Heh.

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